Vampyric turd – 5%
Mikesch Lord, September 18th, 2022
If you think about it, a technically flawed and badly produced melodic/gothic black metal album with a certain “vampyric” vibe is not a bad idea in theory. Not every tomb and candle lit ballroom needs a flashing set of high powered protools, right? With the optimized rule of atmospheric construction and artistic vision in the heads and hearts of the people responsible for this album, we could have had a worthy contribution to the realm of extreme metal, hell, a new, different but still familiar kind of Transylvanian Hunger even. Sadly, this absolutely awful record hurts me as if I was kicked in the balls by a sporty top bred stallion. Holy shitface, how could this collection of songs turn out to be so painfully horrible?
Everything sucks. Everything. The drums lose focus, rythm and timing during multiple occasions. I just hate it whenever the guy starts blasting and it is so obvious that he just learned to do it for this record in a very short time and without any proper training or guidance. Good lord. The guitars repeat the same easy collection of random notes, cheap swedish knockoff tremolo und just horrible, almost cartoonish “evil” riffs again and again until I, the horrified listener, start to actually hate the sound of a guitar. This is not how this was supposed to be. There is no growth or any smell of conclusion, just undercooked, joyless string picking sections, randomly stapled together. Please, make it stop. Was this composed and played by an actual child as some sort of punishment? That would explain so much. No melody on this disc of piss has anything to offer, you just wait for the next one to be equally disappointed. Superficiality on steroids. Not a pretty picture.
Let’s lend our precious ears to the vocals, shall we? Oh mother, spread your legs and let me back inside, I can’t take this album anymore. I am so done with this world. I don’t know what is worse, the weak, powerless and amateurish screaming or the crooked clean singing. I do not feel any kind of darkened magic or threatening spells inside of me when this fucked up album is playing. I know that I just wrote about crawling back into my own mother’s vagina to protect myself from the music of this band AND I STAND BY IT!
I wanted to like this in the name of a certain fighting spirit of imperfect underground music in general. But I can’t. I just cant. Fuck this. Even as a fan of dungeon synth, I have not one positive thing to say about the keyboards. They are cheaper than my german grandmother and as linear and as intriguing as a fish that was just caught and banged on a wooden board to stop the wriggling. Not cool. Now I hate keyboards. Great.
This thing has a unique cover and a very cool band logo, I’ll give them that. But every audible aspect of this piercing spear of excrement is pure vomit. I can’t believe I actually payed money for this little disgusting dunghole under the eternal nightsky. Save yourself. “Siebenbürgen” sound ike fucking Mozart compared to this shit.
rafazardly 